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2.

I am 13 again

alone in this

staring at a taupe wall

listening to a man I can’t remember

explain why my brother will die

but I was surrounded

and filled with white noise

a deafening buzz

like the windows of a high-rise

dotting a night sky

we are all next to each other

touch is offered, available

but I am a lifetime away

I don’t remember crying that night

until saying goodbye

and today I trigger myself to find release

13 again, scared, but

I am surrounded

and welcomed to

let go

2/08/25

1.

I was yelled at by my father again last night

I am 44 years old

We both wanted something and were not receiving it

He wanted to be listened to

I wanted an emotionally present father

I wanted to be somewhere else

With someone else

Drinking wine in a park perhaps

72 degrees and sunny

He told me I was being stupid

It is partly the dementia, but also partly who he is

The dementia just makes him say the quiet part out loud

I have talked about feeling stupid in therapy

more times than I can count

I realized what he wanted, and that I could provide it

I sat and listened, let him finish all the chaotic sentences

He apologized later, by telling me what I did wrong

He cannot see to change who he is, and

That is “ok” now

I can be somewhere else today

Drinking wine in a park

The sun broken up by clouds

With someone else

1/19/25